O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
