you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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