I faked an abortion last night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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