Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
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Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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