I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
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I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
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Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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