I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish my penis had an off switch
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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