sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
