My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The air was thick with penises
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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