I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
