He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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