i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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