i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
