I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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