if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
