Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
