Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think my fart just growled at me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
BRING THE BAGELS
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
