3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.