omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.