I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
