for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
