Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
