Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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