don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
