My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
