If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
