I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
