yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
