So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
