i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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