fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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