i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
