Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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