the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We need a shit load of segways right now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
