Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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