Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
