Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
