I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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