I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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