I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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