I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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