My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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