Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
