I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
