this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
