So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
