My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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