how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
