I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
