Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
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It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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