How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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