if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
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The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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