I want to have your abortion
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
