It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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