somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just forgot I was standing up.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
