I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
