My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
