Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
