In America we eat man semen.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
