wanna go halves on a baby?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
